Sick Jokes of the Week

Tea is for mugs.

Labour MP Eric Joyce has been found guilty of headbutting a Tory MP and assaulting another three Tories in a Commons bar brawl.

He got a three grand fine, banned from pubs for three months and my fucking vote.

Sometimes my girlfriend is so annoying.

"Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?"

Why doesn't she just answer me?

My wife shouted at me, "If you were half the man you were when I married you, you would have done something when that bastard in the pub insulted me."

"Love..," I replied "If you were half the woman you were when I married you he probably wouldn't have insulted you in the first place."

I looked out the window and it was pissing it down.

I thought, 'Fuck it, I'm not going out in that. I'll pick the kids up from school tomorrow.'

Tesco has announced 20,000 new jobs are to be created in the UK.

Poland's Prime Minister has welcomed the news.

Torres is the proud holder of a new footballing record.

He is now averaging 1.6 goals a manager at Chelsea.

Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."